How To Tell if You Can Win a Fight Based on a Man’s Beard

You are into a good night on the town, or you happen to find yourself in an unfamiliar place, and get that strange tingle in your body, because you realize you are about to get into a fight. Before you start fighting you need to know what does this guy’s beard type tell me about how likely I am to win this fight?

How to Tell if You Can Win a Fight a Fight Based on a Man's Beard


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  1. Wispy- You are not really in for a fight with this guy. He’s waiting on puberty still. Threat level 1
  2. Patchy- Depends on if it is groomed and patchy, if so threat level is around a 2. If it is not groomed and patchy this guy doesn’t give a crap and you better be ready to fight. Threat level 7
  3. Full Beard- This is a normal person and you should use caution, but don’t expect anything crazy coming from him. Threat level 5
  4. Viking- This type of guy can either be a hipster or someone who doesn’t care about society. Do a quick check to see if he has on fake glasses, if so threat level minus 3, if not threat level 8.
  5. Jesus- This guy really doesn’t want to fight. Buy him a beer, say the rosary and all will be well. Threat level 2.
  6. Goatee- This is a complete unknown. Not too many men have a goatee compared to a beard now so be prepared for anything. A kick to the family jewels could be headed your way. Threat level ?
  7. Beard with a scar in it- Run! That’s all you need to know. If someone has a scar on their face and decided to grow out a beard they lived to tell about a fight where they got cut on the face! Threat level 100. You are about to get beat senseless if you hang out to see what happens.
  8. Hobo beard- This is going to be a scraggly guy who can probably beat you up. He doesn’t care about society enough to keep himself clean, so why would he care about a beat down. Best case scenario you smell like urine after defending yourself. Threat level 6, Smell level 10
  9. Amish- This person may be religious but he works all day on a farm and is as strong as an ox. He’s going to break you in 2 if he gets a hold of you. Threat level 9.
  10. Long enough to braid or make designs with- You have one advantage on this person, they love their beard. Grab the beard and try to mess it up, then finish them off. Threat level 5

If you need to a beard trimmer to help your adversary shave into something that is less threatening then read here.

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